Orgasm Denial/Control/On Demand

Orgasm Denial/Control/On Demand
by baby

I'd like to take a few moments to contemplate orgasm training.  Specifically, orgasm control, orgasm denial, and orgasm on demand.  These three areas are a cornerstone of the training of a submissive male, and I believe once mastered, form a rock-solid foundation for the male's submissiveness and absolute devotion to his Mistress.


Submission is a gift from the submissive to the dominant partner, and requires complete trust in the dominant partner.  A submissive must trust the dominant partner completely, and must trust the dominant partner to have the submissive's best interests at heart.  That having been said, perhaps the ultimate expression of submissiveness to his Mistress is giving Her total control over his orgasms, which are the one single area where a man's maleness is completely, well.....male.  It is often the male's primary driver...hence the phrase "He's thinking with the wrong head!"  When a male gets horny, oftentimes rational thought goes out the window.  When a man submits to his woman, he trusts her to control his orgasms as a sign of his complete devotion to Her, knowing that She will accept this gift with all the love he has put into it, and will reward him with them with the same love.  Each one will be special, and none will be wasted.  But to ensure this, he must be denied most of the time.  If a man is permitted to orgasm whenever he wishes, he begins taking them for granted and, indeed, submission should be about the pleasure and service of his Mistress, not about his own pleasure and needs.  The truly submissive male must learn to separate his own wants and needs from those of his Mistress.  He should always strive to pleasure Her, to whatever extent She desires, but he must NEVER EVER expect the same from Her.  He must trust that She will reward him enough that every orgasm is special, a moment to be cherished forever, a moment in which he is allowed to give his Mistress his very essence.  And She must remember that a submissive man is often a needy man, so She must be certain She is not too stingy with them.

This means that most of the time, She must deny him.  As Mistress, She has the right to Her own orgasms.  As slave, he does not.  As slave, he must expect the opposite, that She will use him until She is satisfied, and then dismiss him.  This is not cruelty.  Many  people would believe that it is, but this denial is based in love.  She does this because he wants it.  She may use it to test him, test his devotion.  She may deny him for a week, or two weeks, or a month, or six months, or a year, or longer.....but She must always keep his well-being in mind as well.  Long term denial must never be used as punishment.  This may cause resentment.  Both the slave and the Mistress must agree how long to go.  Forced chastity may be a great male fantasy, but it's not a good idea in reality.  For myself, I've gone a week before, and that was very difficult, but I'm willing to go as long as Mommie decides.  I'm willing because my love is deep enough to sustain me.  And I want Her control over me to be total.  I want to experience a full-on TPE 24/7 relationship.  And this is a major part of it.

I also want to be trained to control my orgasms for Her.  This would be a great skill to have when in orgasm denial.  It takes a special kind of lover to make love to his Mistress and satisfy Her through intercourse as long and as often as She wants, WITHOUT CUMMING!  Again, this is something I want, as a sign of my submissiveness, to be able to see to Her needs and wants without tying them to my own.

And finally, the elusive Holy Grail of orgasm control, being able to cum on demand.  Much more difficult to train a male to do this than a female, it is still nevertheless very rare for both males and females.  It's a long process, that works by conditioning.  Through orgasm denial, and the selective granting of orgasms in connection with a specific word to be used as a trigger, the orgasm is linked to the word, and when and if the training is successful, the slave will be able to orgasm simply by hearing his Mistress say the trigger word, without being touched at all.  But it takes a long time, and is often unsuccessful because of one of many factors, including the difference in individual response, the effectiveness or ineffectiveness of the Mistress's training, etc.  To me, this would be the height of submissiveness, to be able to orgasm simply by hearing your Mistress's voice, instantly and without stimulation.  And even if success in this instance is never achieved, I'm certain it would be the most fun, sexually, that a loving couple could have.

Just some thoughts......

Honesty In BDSM Relationships

Honesty In BDSM Relationships

By baby boy

How important is honesty in a Dom/sub relationship and how hard is it to always be honest when one has done something wrong?

This isn’t all that difficult to answer, because of the nature of Dom/sub relationships.  BDSM as a lifestyle choice is based on trust.  A Dom/me is always pushing His or Her sub’s limits, in an effort to make the sub a better sub.  By better, I mean many different areas, such as depth of submission, quality of service, fullness of devotion.  In order to do this, there MUST be complete trust.  The sub must trust that the Dom/me will not do anything to harm the sub either physically, psychologically, or emotionally, and the Dom/me must trust that the sub will let Him or Her know when the sub is approaching his or her limit.  Communication is key here, and communication MUST BE UNHINDERED AND UNOBSCURED.  This means there MUST BE complete honesty between the Dom/me and the sub, at all times.  This should be the case in vanilla relationships as well, but it is absolutely critical in BDSM relationships.  A Dom/me must know his/her sub, and vice versa, or the sub’s health and quite possibly life is endangered.  Imagine a sub that enjoyed breath play, and a Dom taking it too far, without realizing the sub’s limits.  The sub runs the very real risk of suffocation.  GAME OVER!

This being the case, a sub should not under any circumstances conceal anything from his or her Dom/me, and this includes if the sub has done something wrong without the Dom/me’s knowledge.  Rules are set up by the Dom/me to achieve some goal, in most cases, a set of behaviors designed to provide structure and encourage self-discipline, or to protect the sub.  So when the sub breaks a rule, the sub is not only doing something detrimental to the sub, but also damaging the trust of the Dom/me, and disrespecting the Dom/me.  It is also disrespectful to the Dom/me to lie to Him/Her and to conceal from Him/Her.  That amounts to ANOTHER rule broken.  So the sub is better off admitting to the transgression and accepting whatever punishment/discipline/training the Dom/me decides on to either correct the sub or to discourage the sub from breaking that rule again.

It is important though, to realize that both the Dom/me and the sub are human.  The Dom/me is not a terrorist whose only motivation is the infliction of fear or pain, and the sub is not a robot who can be programmed to flawlessly perform its duties without fail.  Neither are impervious, and both should recognize the limitations of the other.

Moving forward

Mistress and I had a little difficulty this past weekend, sort of growing pains I guess, which are only natural whenever a relationship is developing, even when that relationship is a long established one that is merely undergoing changes.  Everything evolves over time, it's not hard to understand that.  Life goes on, kids grow up, businesses start up or fail, health issues pop up, we get older...the point is that things change, and so our lives change, and for relationships and marriages to succeed they can't remain the same.  But with our adoption of the BDSM lifestyle, the addition of roles and protocols causes some confusion, and communication is critical:  not just what you communicate, but also how.

We realized that we really needed to learn more about what we were doing, as we're still both kind of flailing about, trying to find a balance of different roles that we have taken.  In most areas, the primary roles that we have adopted are that of Mistress (or Domme) for my wife, and slave (submissive) for myself.  I have always felt passive in my dealings with women, and with life in general.  I have never been much of a leader, although I have on occasion tried.  For the most part, I preferred letting somebody else make the decisions.  It wasn't until those decisions started causing me great pain that I began developing my trust issues, and those took years to work through, and grow beyond.  In addition to roles of Mistress and slave, I am also her beloved pet, and She is my Owner;  and as Her little, I am Her baby boy, and She is my Mommie (age play can be fun - I want to clarify it has nothing to do with incest or me wanting to do anything inappropriate with my real mother or vice versa, nor does it have anything to do with my Mistress wanting to do anything inappropriate with an actual child.  It is simply the desire of my Mistress to nurture and take care of me, and my desire to be cared for by Her.  I love the Mommie/little boy dynamic (the reverse of the Daddy/little girl side of the coin) as it allows me to totally let Her hold me, cuddle me, and let me be carefree and without any kind of worry.

But in juggling these new roles and new rules and protocols, questions emerged about what W/we were looking for out of the evolving relationship, and what direction it should evolve in, and how W/we were to grow, and whether W/we were fulfilling O/our responsibilities in our respective roles. 24/7 slaves have a set of responsibilities provided by the Master or Mistress that pertain to the running of the household in a way that frees the Dominant of that particular responsibility, so that the Dominant may focus on other responsibilities such as providing for the slave.  The Dominant makes all or most of the decisions in the slave's life, thus freeing the slave to devote his or her full attention to serving and pleasing the Dominant in whatever way the Dominant requires.  This is an overly simplistic description of the responsibilities, but you get the idea.

The questions that came up this past weekend forced me to look at how W/we wished to proceed, and how deeply I wanted it to run.   I realized, painfully, how much it would hurt to lose the BDSM part of O/our relationship:  it made me feel like "What would I do now?"  There would be an empty hole in me.  That's not to say our relationship would end, or O/our marriage, that would never happen.  She is the love of my life, and my life will always be intertwined with Hers.  But something would be missing:  my service to Her.  I realized then that I wanted-needed-it to go as deeply as possible:  I needed to give Her complete and total control over every aspect of my life, from when I went to bed at night, to when I got up every morning.  To what I ate, when I ate, how much I would be allowed to eat.  To what clothes I wore each day.  As Her property, everything that I had once owned were now Hers.  My DVD collection was now Hers, everything, my bank accounts, my money (except for a small allowance), even my Jeep.  The only two things that I would own now were my wedding ring and my collar.  These I would be required to care for as if they were my most precious possessions, which of course they ARE.  As the only property I will ever again be permitted to own, I love and cherish them even more now, and wish that I never had to take them off ever again.  I am proud to own them and to wear them at all times.  The only time they come off is when I am bathing or showering, and when I have to care for them by cleaning and maintaining their appearance.  A slave may  not disrespect his Wife by disrespecting his ring, nor may he insult his Mistress by insulting the collar given by Her to him.

I know W/we both have a long way to go, and a whole lot to learn, but W/we are putting O/our best foot forward, and learning the best W/we can to give this lifestyle every chance to succeed and be the kind of loving union W/we both know it can be.

<3 <3 <3