Mistress and I had a little difficulty this past weekend, sort of growing pains I guess, which are only natural whenever a relationship is developing, even when that relationship is a long established one that is merely undergoing changes. Everything evolves over time, it's not hard to understand that. Life goes on, kids grow up, businesses start up or fail, health issues pop up, we get older...the point is that things change, and so our lives change, and for relationships and marriages to succeed they can't remain the same. But with our adoption of the BDSM lifestyle, the addition of roles and protocols causes some confusion, and communication is critical: not just what you communicate, but also how.
We realized that we really needed to learn more about what we were doing, as we're still both kind of flailing about, trying to find a balance of different roles that we have taken. In most areas, the primary roles that we have adopted are that of Mistress (or Domme) for my wife, and slave (submissive) for myself. I have always felt passive in my dealings with women, and with life in general. I have never been much of a leader, although I have on occasion tried. For the most part, I preferred letting somebody else make the decisions. It wasn't until those decisions started causing me great pain that I began developing my trust issues, and those took years to work through, and grow beyond. In addition to roles of Mistress and slave, I am also her beloved pet, and She is my Owner; and as Her little, I am Her baby boy, and She is my Mommie (age play can be fun - I want to clarify it has nothing to do with incest or me wanting to do anything inappropriate with my real mother or vice versa, nor does it have anything to do with my Mistress wanting to do anything inappropriate with an actual child. It is simply the desire of my Mistress to nurture and take care of me, and my desire to be cared for by Her. I love the Mommie/little boy dynamic (the reverse of the Daddy/little girl side of the coin) as it allows me to totally let Her hold me, cuddle me, and let me be carefree and without any kind of worry.
But in juggling these new roles and new rules and protocols, questions emerged about what W/we were looking for out of the evolving relationship, and what direction it should evolve in, and how W/we were to grow, and whether W/we were fulfilling O/our responsibilities in our respective roles. 24/7 slaves have a set of responsibilities provided by the Master or Mistress that pertain to the running of the household in a way that frees the Dominant of that particular responsibility, so that the Dominant may focus on other responsibilities such as providing for the slave. The Dominant makes all or most of the decisions in the slave's life, thus freeing the slave to devote his or her full attention to serving and pleasing the Dominant in whatever way the Dominant requires. This is an overly simplistic description of the responsibilities, but you get the idea.
The questions that came up this past weekend forced me to look at how W/we wished to proceed, and how deeply I wanted it to run. I realized, painfully, how much it would hurt to lose the BDSM part of O/our relationship: it made me feel like "What would I do now?" There would be an empty hole in me. That's not to say our relationship would end, or O/our marriage, that would never happen. She is the love of my life, and my life will always be intertwined with Hers. But something would be missing: my service to Her. I realized then that I wanted-needed-it to go as deeply as possible: I needed to give Her complete and total control over every aspect of my life, from when I went to bed at night, to when I got up every morning. To what I ate, when I ate, how much I would be allowed to eat. To what clothes I wore each day. As Her property, everything that I had once owned were now Hers. My DVD collection was now Hers, everything, my bank accounts, my money (except for a small allowance), even my Jeep. The only two things that I would own now were my wedding ring and my collar. These I would be required to care for as if they were my most precious possessions, which of course they ARE. As the only property I will ever again be permitted to own, I love and cherish them even more now, and wish that I never had to take them off ever again. I am proud to own them and to wear them at all times. The only time they come off is when I am bathing or showering, and when I have to care for them by cleaning and maintaining their appearance. A slave may not disrespect his Wife by disrespecting his ring, nor may he insult his Mistress by insulting the collar given by Her to him.
I know W/we both have a long way to go, and a whole lot to learn, but W/we are putting O/our best foot forward, and learning the best W/we can to give this lifestyle every chance to succeed and be the kind of loving union W/we both know it can be.
<3 <3 <3
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