Respect

Respect

By Kevin Mahoney (pet)

I’d like to take a few minutes to talk about respect.  BDSM is a power exchange activity (lifestyle for those living it 24/7) between a Dominant and a submissive, but it’s not just between the two partners (or more, in the case of polyamorous partnerships); it also can involve others in the BDSM community, both Dom/mes and subs (and switches).  Negotiation is a major part of the process of a Dom/me and a sub coming together, and once they ARE together, they have agreed to a set of rules and protocols between them and expect those rules and protocols to be respected by outsiders who are allowed to be involved with them.  This means that if I, as a Dom, have a sub that I am in a committed relationship with, and I take her to a play party, or we are in an online forum, it is established that I am her Dom and she is my sub, and if I choose to allow another Dom to play with her, the choice is mine, not his.  It is simple respect.  As her Dom, I consider her to be my property and just like I would not allow a stranger to just get into my car and drive away in it, so I would not allow him to start issuing commands, demands, or otherwise using my sub without my approval.

The problem comes in when self-claimed “Dom/mes” who have no knowledge whatsoever of the lifestyle, no interest in learning about it, and see subs as nothing more than easy targets for their predatory behavior, begin to intrude on the agreement between a sub and her Master or a sub and his Mistress, by making unwanted contact, unwanted demands, undermining the Master/Mistress by claiming to be a better Master/Mistress, and/or making threatening behavior (I’ll be sure to beat that bad behavior out of you.”)  All of this without the Master/Mistress’s approval.  This is disrespectful to the sub, the Master or Mistress, and to the BDSM community and the lifestyle in general.  Unfortunately, there are many men out there who are like this, they never learned the proper respect when they were young and lack the social skills necessary to the BDSM lifestyle.  And that goes for the vanilla world, too.  I don’t know how many female friends of mine have all complained about some jerk whose only interest in them was to find out their bra size.  This is disrespectful enough, but in the BDSM community, trying to come between and Master/Mistress and his/her sub or trying to interact with said sub is like making passes at a man’s wife or a woman’s husband KNOWING that they are married.  Totally without class and in my opinion grounds for a royal ass-kicking.  Especially if you continue to do so, after being asked nicely (by the sub) and then not so nicely (by the Dom/me).  Signs to watch for (if you’re a sub):

Any man or woman who contacts you without contacting your Master or Mistress first.

Any man or woman who issues commands directly to you (if your Master or Mistress wants you taking orders from someone else, he or she will tell you first)

Any man or woman who claims to be better for you than the Master or Mistress you have already given your submission to.  Giving submission is a gift, it is something to be earned, not demanded.  And under no circumstances is any negative action to be threatened if you do NOT obey his or her commands.

Any man or woman who threatens you in any way (such as, “I must remember to beat that snarky attitude out of you” or “You will not speak until I tell you to; if you do, you won’t be able to sit down for a month”, etc. etc.

Remember, whether you as either a Dom or a sub are practicing BDSM under SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) or RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink), the key concept to remember here is CONSENT.  When another so-called Dom/predator starts trying to horn his way into an already established relationship between a Dom/me and a sub, there is no consent.  This is tantamount to an insult or slap in the face and these people need to be exposed, so that they can no longer prey upon women (or men) who are vulnerable because they are eager to submit to someone and are looking for someone to submit to.  Not everyone who says he is a Dom truly is.  Many are just wanna-be’s looking for their own gratification and don’t care one bit about those upon whom they are preying.

So let’s look out for each other, respect the boundaries that exist within the community, and expose those who do not.